One Liner Jokes

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

I am passing these on to friends in various parts of the country. Everyone likes jokes on Monday!
Especially the retired friends.
Nothing like a nice, cold beverage and an afternoon joke (none of my retired friends get up before noon!)

I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

I worked at a sewage treatment plant. Good pay, but I had to put up with a lot of....
Oh! Almost forgot...this is a family friendly forum...

I saw an advert saying “Hairpieces from $5.00”. I thought, “That’s a small price toupee”.

A furious 3-legged dog walks into a western bar. The bartender asks him what he wants. The dog snarls, "I'm a-lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"

Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

Pizzathehut wrote:Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh at that or not. Oh what the heck, he's an orphan, he doesn't have Internet to see me laugh!

I'm laughing! Pizzathehut, where did you get that picture! If I have a dream like that, I am running for the Tums!

Come to think of it, though, that's probably what I look like if I dive into a large, triple meat 'n' cheese when I'm watching the Stanley Cup with my pals!

If you have everything, where would you put it?

Alain....who's in it for the cup?

It's the Washington Capitals versus the Las Vegas Knights.
Currently the Capitals are ahead in the best-of-7 series 3 games to 1.

The Caps could wrap it up in tonight's game 5.

I miss the old days in the NHL, back in the 70's/80's where there were dynasties like the Montreal Canadians, NY Islanders, Edmonton Oilers, etc. I was an Islander fan, but loved watching the Oilers and Gretzky's offence.

I agree, Hydekelso! But there are some pretty good players these days, too. Back in the 60's, I was a big Chicago Blackhawks fan (not surprising since my Dad and Mom were brought up in Chicago).

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.



I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Passing these along in today's emails!

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I'm leaving mine to IBM or Goggle so they can put me in the clouds.

Hydekelso wrote:If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.



I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

And I appreciate the question marks!

DebtorBasher wrote:

Hydekelso wrote:If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.



I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

And I appreciate the question marks!

It's always nice to be appreciated by the Basher!

An upside-down buffalo head just has to be appreciated!

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

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Thanks for bringing this thread back to life.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since....

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.