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Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
A cop calls from the scene of a crime:
"Dispatch, I have a tough situation here. A an old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

Dispatch comes back:
"Did you arrest her?"

Officer:
"Heck, no!! The floor is still wet!"

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I had this one night stand,
and felt so bad about it.
The next morning, I ran out and bought another one
for the other side of my bed.

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153 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Mon May 02, 2016 11:00 am

AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
There's one I can send to everybody safely! LOL!

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Yeah, I think you might be safe with that one.

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155 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Tue May 03, 2016 11:31 am

AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
It was safe and clean. So I sent it with a pornographic picture (two Bunnies doing the deed) just so my friends wouldn't think I've lost my bad habits!

Just my luck. My friends thought two rabbits mating was an amazing animal behaviour picture.

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And now you are wondering if your friends have lost their minds!

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
If they are friends of mine, I KNOW they've lost their minds! We are an interesting bunch, though!

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158 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Thu May 05, 2016 11:14 am

I'm coming to your next BBQ....

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Always welcome! The only rule we have is no serious political or religious debates. Laughing at politics and politicians in general, however, is encouraged. Also, laughing at Gollywood types. Eat, drink and don't drive!

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160 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Fri May 06, 2016 10:17 am

I will be more than happy to make my ever famous in my head, Basher Burgers!!!

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162 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Sat May 07, 2016 12:39 pm

AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I love it!! Especially since I was at the dentist again yesterday to get a new bridge put in. It fit great and i thought I was free, but then they found out that a molar that had been bugging me was infected, so they yanked it. So now 7 days of penicillin and 2 days of narcs.

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Well, you should feel good about that. Think about it, you are helping your dentist and his family pay for a nice vacation this year. Be sure he sends you a postcard....one without a dentist appointment reminder
on it.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
My old dentist sold his pratice (and retired) to a corporate group, similar to the one Danika Patrick advertises for.  You have to watch them.  They will find a project for $$ whether you really need it or not.  In my case, I knew there were things that needed done from the old dentist (who was trustworthy), so I let them do the stuff that was necessary and nixed a bunch of BS projects they tried to sell me.  I also refused their "offer" of a "care" credit card from Synchrony Bank that had a 27% interest rate and terms I'd never even consider.  My insurance covered some and the rest I paid cash.  Corprorate dentistry is the latest way to help patients spend $$$$$ for what they don't need!

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane
when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked, "why was the dog was allowed on the plane?"

The second man explained, "that he was from the Police Drug enforcement Agency and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'."

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once
we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the Policeman
said, "Watch this."

He told Sniffer to search.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very
purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, "Good boy," and he turned to the man and said,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Gee, that's pretty good," replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds,
returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The Policeman said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to search again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down
for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn't
figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman, "What's going on?"

The Policeman nervously replied, "He's just found a bomb."


-----

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166 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Tue May 24, 2016 11:35 am

lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol! lol!
I liked that one...it's one I've never heard before.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
That one came via a professor in Arizona.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer wait for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumes, "What's with these guys? We've been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The pastor says, "Hey, here comes the groundskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" the doctor asks.

The groundskeeper tells them that the other golfers are a group of blind firefighters who lost their sight saving the clubhouse from a fire and that they come and play for free whenever they want.

The group is silent for a moment.

The pastor says, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor says, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer says, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
From Big Bang Theory:

Leonard: You know honey attracts more flies then vinegar.

Sheldon: So does mildew, so what's your point.

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I thought Sheldon said manure.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Good Ones!!! I'm sending these off in emails! I wonder if my emails have anything but jokes in them anymore? I'm even sending my broker jokes!

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Here's one for your broker:

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I think this one will really move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1,000 shares," said the client.
The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, "You were right. Give me 5,000 more shares."
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.
The client ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10,000 more shares."
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.
Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, "Sell all my shares!"
The broker asked, "To who? You were the only one buying that stock."


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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I sent it to my broker. He sent a note back saying, "Who Snitched!!"

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Laughing

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
this, apparently, is why i am not rich!

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