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Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

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I have Ghetto-opoly.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I like to get Mediterranean & Baltic Avenues early in the game.  Then you get Water Works & the Electric Companies so you can cut off service when people don't pay the rent in the slum district!  For more fun, make the other players clean your properties when they owe you money.



Last edited by AlainM3C on Fri May 26, 2017 8:02 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : can't type.)

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228 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Sat May 27, 2017 11:27 pm

My Niece brought The Beatles' Monopoly game to play last week.

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Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
How many years have you been aged 28 now?

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230 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Mon May 29, 2017 12:20 am

Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Good one! Did it work?

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232 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Tue May 30, 2017 10:59 am

Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
Doc: "I have good news and bad news" Patient: "What's the good news?" Doc: "From my records here, you have 40 years left to live" Patient: "What's the bad news?" Doc: "I just realized that these records are from 39 years ago."

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
LOL! Loved it.....

say, what was the name of that doctor.....??

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234 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Sun Jul 16, 2017 12:17 pm

This is a little long, but worth reading because it is SO true!



Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills
back
on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think,
since I’m going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the
can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

I’m going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

The Pepsi is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye–they need water.

I put the Pepsi on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I’m going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I’ll be looking for the remote,
but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I’ll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
and I’m really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem,
and I’ll try to get some help for it,
but first I’ll check my e-mail….

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I have a friend in Washington State that crossed over the 60 line yesterday. I sent this to him and he loved it!

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236 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Fri Jul 21, 2017 12:39 am

Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
That was quite the gift!

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Humour is often the best gift to give!

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238 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Mon Jul 24, 2017 10:39 pm

Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
DebtorBasher wrote:This is a little long, but worth reading because it is SO true!



   Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. –
   Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

   This is how it manifests:

   I decide to water my garden.
   As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
   I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

   As I start toward the garage,
   I notice mail on the porch table that
   I brought up from the mail box earlier.

   I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

   I lay my car keys on the table,
   put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
   and notice that the can is full.

   So, I decide to put the bills
   back
   on the table and take out the garbage first.

   But then I think,
   since I’m going to be near the mailbox
   when I take out the garbage anyway,
   I may as well pay the bills first.

   I take my check book off the table,
   and see that there is only one check left.
   My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
   so I go inside the house to my desk where
   I find the
   can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.

   I’m going to look for my checks,
   but first I need to push the Pepsi aside
   so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.

   The Pepsi is getting warm,
   and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

   As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi,
   a vase of flowers on the counter
   catches my eye–they need water.

   I put the Pepsi on the counter and
   discover my reading glasses that
   I’ve been searching for all morning.
   I decide I better put them back on my desk,
   but first I’m going to water the flowers.

   I set the glasses back down on the counter,
   fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
   Someone left it on the kitchen table.

   I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
   I’ll be looking for the remote,
   but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table,
   so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
   but first I’ll water the flowers.

   I pour some water in the flowers,
   but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.

   So, I set the remote back on the table,
   get some towels and wipe up the spill.

   Then, I head down the hall trying to
   remember what I was planning to do.
   At the end of the day:
   the car isn’t washed
   the bills aren’t paid
   there is a warm can of
   Pepsi sitting on the counter
   the flowers don’t have enough water,
   there is still only 1 check in my check book,
   I can’t find the remote,
   I can’t find my glasses,
   and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
   Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
   I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all the damn day,
   and I’m really tired.

   I realize this is a serious problem,
   and I’ll try to get some help for it,
   but first I’ll check my e-mail….

Did "Lady Lyrics" write that?

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Are you having a secret love affair with LadyLyrics? You know, she's a troublemaker!

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240 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Fri Jul 28, 2017 11:39 pm

Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
"We're surrounded."

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241 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Tue Aug 01, 2017 10:09 pm

AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I was in a Yellow Submarine.

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Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
A sixteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for $15.00?" they asked.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name -- they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for $15.00."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly tending to the flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Passed this on, Hydekelso. Many smiles coast-to-coast!

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Hydekelso

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Knight
Knight
Where is the DebbieBasher?

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Don't know. She hasn't been around in a while.

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Been working....didn't realize it's been this long since I've posted. Maybe this joke will make up for it:

One Sunday, when counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.
“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church.”
The pastor replied, “That’s wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?”
The elderly woman answered, “$10,000 a week.”
The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?”
“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.
“That’s an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”
The woman answered proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cathouses – one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.”

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247 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Mon Sep 11, 2017 10:08 pm

AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
The thing about cathouses is, Ya gotta make sure all them kittens have had their shots!

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