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Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

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LOL! Did she get the job???

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AlainM3C

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Yep! Don't mess with female agents or operatives!

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A little guy sat in a cafe one day eating his lunch. Three Hells Angels walked into the cafe, looked around, and decided to have some fun with the little guy.
They sat at his table. One of them took his coffee away from him and drank it down. The next one took his sandwich away and ate it down. The third Hells Angel took the little guy's pie and ate it down.
Without saying a word, the little guy got up, went to the cash register, paid his bill, and left.
One of the Hells Angels looked at the waitress, and said, "Did you see that? We took away his coffee, his sandwich, and his pie! And he didn't say a word! He sure ain't much of a man!"
The waitress turned to them and said, "He ain't much of a truck driver, either. He just ran over three motorcycles in the parking lot!"

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It was a quiet day on the Ark and Noah was getting bored, so he told his wife that he was going to relieve the tedium by going off on a fishing expedition.
"That's a good idea," she said. "You could do with a break."
Noah collected his equipment and set off, but thirty minutes later he was back and still complaining that he was bored.
His wife said: "I didn't expect you back so soon. If you're that bored, why did you stop fishing after only half an hour?"
Noah replied: "I only had two worms." Razz



*Hmmmmm....I would think there were only two fish for him as well.*

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Barack Obama was visiting a school in North Carolina, a fourth grade class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the president asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy.'
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field, and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Obama, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Obama. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Obama searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Obama. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as h*** wouldn't be a great loss... and you can bet your a** it wouldn't be an accident either! Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

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AlainM3C

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Good ones! You're on a roll! I'm sending that last one to a friend of mine out in Washington state who's a die hard Republican! Razz

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Woman: Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip (This is where it gets scary!)
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I suppose
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Correct
Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have paid cash for a Lamborghini?
Man: Do you drink beer?
Woman: No!
Man: Where's your Lamborghini?

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AlainM3C

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LOL! Passing this on! I print these out and send them by to my Dad and Stepmom, too. At 91 & 87, they aren't much for email.

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Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

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AlainM3C

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I'm sending this along with my Sunday emails! It'll give everyone a laugh for Sunday!! Very Happy

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Here are some you can share with you elders!

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I've changed my will three times!'
Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  Razz  

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  lol!  

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  Very Happy  

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'
Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked  Shocked

Three old guys Howard, Tinker, & Poo-Poo are out walking.
Howard says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Tlnker says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Poo-Poo says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  Smile  

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty..'
Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  Surprised  

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing  Laughing
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool… After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed

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AlainM3C

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These are good!! I'm going to print them out and snail mail them down to my Dad and Stepmom at the retirement place in Florida!

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“Haha”, thought the cop gleefully, when he saw the staggering man walking out of the bar towards the parking lot, “I’ll just wait until he pulls out and then I’ll pull him over for drunk driving.”
There was no doubt about it the man was as drunk as could be, after tripping over a rock and dusting himself off, the man slowly made his way towards his car swaying every which way.
After opening the passenger side door by mistake, the man finally opened the right door and sat down heavily in the driver’s seat. After dosing off for a few minutes the man seemed to awake out of his drunken slumber and slowly put his keys in the ignition turning on the car.
The man barely started pulling out before the cop turned on his sirens full blast and headed over to the car, “alright buddy” said the cop, “get on out and let me see you walk a straight line.”
To the cops surprise the man easily walked a straight line. After passing the Breathalyzer test too, the cop was positively mystified, “How did you get sober so quick?” question the cop.
“Get sober?” responded the man with a smile, “I always was sober, I was just distracting you so all my drunken buddies could escape without you noticing!”

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AlainM3C

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Now there's a trick i never thought of! Of course, doing it might get the officer upset and even when I was young I always tried to avoid annoying police officers. They usually had ways to get even! Like the time I made a comment about a local "she bear" on my CB radio. The car broke down moments later and who should arrive to help me? The "she bear". Fortunately, (her name was Cindy, as I recall) she had a sense of humour (and she was cute, too!). If it hadn't been for the fact her husband was also a state trooper (and a large one, at that), I might have gotten a date (in my defence, she wasn't wearing her wedding ring).

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She bear...LOL! I miss the CB radio. Although I'm only 28 years old.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Of course, any knowledge you have of CB's has been passed down to you in ancient folklore! They are still used, on occasion, by the elders, though. Radio waves still exist and the sorcerers of a time long ago still know how to use them!

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10-4 you got that right, good buddy! Takin' off my ears to go 10-100. See you on the flip-flop!

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AlainM3C

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I've forgotten what a '10-100' is!

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10-100 ... going to go pee-pee or poo-poo.

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AlainM3C

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I should have guessed that! Somewhere, I have a booklet with all the CB numbers in it. I think it's packed away with the old police/fire scanner.

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I have old police scanners that my Mom used to listen to. Now, they went digital and I don't think I'd be able to pick up anything other than weather and airports.

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AlainM3C

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Having one sort of served a purpose when i lived in rural Virginia. Where I live now the fire station is 3 blocks away and there's 3 policemen that live within a block of us. I I'm curious I can ask them about it or someone will give me the latest neighborhood news at the barber shop.

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48 Here's One That I haven't Heard Before....LOL!!! on Mon Mar 30, 2015 10:35 pm

The Pope is visiting New York:

A limo driver meets him at the airport. After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver. “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!” pleads the worried driver. But the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver, wishing he’d never gone
to work that morning. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches. But the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five on a city street.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” says the cop.
The Chief exclaims, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” the cop says. The Chief then asks, “Who ya got there – the Mayor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
Chief: “Governor?”
Cop: “Bigger.”
“Well,” says the Chief, “who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop: “He’s got the Pope for a limo driver!”

***************************************************************************************
A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please...
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.
Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.
A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk..
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

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AlainM3C

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these are good! I'm going to print them up and send them down to the retirement home my Dad's at in Florida. Some of those folks can't remember what they ate for breakfast, but they still have a valid Florida license! (They also like jokes at their evening Happy Hour - nothing keeps 80-90 year olds happier than a good joke and a scotch & water, apparently)

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It almost makes retiring sound like fun!

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