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Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

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51 hydekelso on Wed Apr 01, 2015 10:28 am

Hydekelso

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Anytime George Carlin talks about religion does the trick, but usually makes me blow any beverage I drank out of my nose.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
My favourite Carlin is the words you can't say on television. Retirement's not half bad as long as the money holds out!

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

~Jay Leno~




The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

~Henry Cate, VII~



We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office

~Aesop~


If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.

~Will Rogers~



Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.

~Nikita Khrushchev~



When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.

~Clarence Darrow~




Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.


~Author unknown~



Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

~John Quinton~


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.


~Oscar Ameringer~




I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.

~Adlai Stevenson, 1952~



A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

~ Tex Guinan~


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.

~Charles de Gaulle~



Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

~Doug Larson~



There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.


~Will Rogers~


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HaHa! lol!

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I like the last one from Will Rogers!

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Cowboy from Texas:
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving over seas some where. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

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Pizzathehut


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DebtorBasher wrote:Cowboy from Texas:
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both serving over seas some where. When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I
joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my brothers though...."

I'm glad I didn't hit a speed bump when viewing this.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
We don't have speed bumps around here. Lots of potholes, though!

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Those are speed holes.

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Remember the Flintstones?
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'
A spokesman for the channel said:
"A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humor, but we know for a fact, that people in Abu Dhabi Do"

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Send this one on to Islamic State!

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A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past.
The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?”
The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’, and that he’s going to get a drink from the river.
At the riverbank, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls in. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the stoned lizard, helping him to the side.
He then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?!” The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in the tree, smoking a joint with his new monkey friend.
He then explained how his mouth got dry, and that he was so wasted that, when he went to get a drink from the river, he fell in!
The inquisitive crocodile says he has to check this out. He walks into the jungle and finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.
He looks up and says “Hey, MONKEY!” The Monkey looks down and says “DANG, DUDE……. how much water did you drink?”

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
HAH!! Sending this along to my ex-marine buddy in Wash State. Before we was productive members of society we knew something about this stuff!

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A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were alright. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Best one I've heard in ages!! I'm passing this around!!

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You mean it's not going to be passed around in your Church on Sunday???

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
It's a new priest. I'll let him settle in for a week before I spring this on him!

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A new Priest? That's the best time to get them!

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Aw, poor fella doesn't even know I'm not Catholic!

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HaHa! Oh wait...that wasn't a joke, was it?

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
It's humor! Really, they don't care if I'm Catholic or not. They're always very friendly. I show up now and again and they're happy enough with that.

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Just toss them a few bucks and they're happy.

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
We've noticed that a fiver from each of us pleases them!

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Is it chilly in Chile today?

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AlainM3C

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Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Not bad, for winter. It only gets into the 30's down here in the Strait of Magellan usually.

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