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Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

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My wife was dying. I was by her bedside. She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."

"Shh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything is alright."

"No, I must die in peace. I had sex with your Brother, your best friend, his best friend and your Father!"

"I know, I know," I whispered "That's why I poisoned you, now close your eyes!!"

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AlainM3C

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LOL!!! Sending this one out on the afternoon emails!

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I have one that is borderline Basherville approved...I'll have to find it.
Maybe I can change the 'p' word to 'winky dink'.

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AlainM3C

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"Winky" works well! It sound kind of cute and cuddly!

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Wrong 'P' word Alain! LOL! I'm talking about HIS 'P' word not her's!

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AlainM3C

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I think I'll toss a bad joke out to change the subject...

A blind man from Canada is visiting Dallas.
He sits in his seat on Ye-Hah! Airlines and exclaims, "My God! This seat is immense!"
The stewerdess says, "Sir, everything big in Texas! Here, feel my breast."
The blind man does and marvels, "You're right! Your breast is huge!"
So he goes to his hotel after landing, they check him in and a friendly Texas cowboy leads him to the bar.
he orders a beer and feels his glass only to find out it's actually a pail!
The cowboy chuckles and says, "Ya know, everythings big in Texas!"
Prettye soon he needs the bathroom and the cowboy says, "just feel your way along the wall and it's the first door on the right."
The blind Canadian feels along the wall, misses the first door and goes through the second door on the right which leads to the pool. He falls in and cries out in alarm, "For God's sake, DON"T FLUSH! DON"T FLUSH!!"

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Alain, Alain, Alain... Embarassed

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A police officer called the station on his radio.
"I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

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AlainM3C

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LOL! I can pass this along to everyone and their network administrators won't complain about it being too bawdy!

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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:

• Officer: May I see your driver's license?

• Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

• Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.

• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?

• Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

• Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?

• Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.

• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?

• Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:

• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?

• Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?

• Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.

• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.

• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.

• Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

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AlainM3C

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This is good!  It's also clean enough to even send to my yum-yum relative who plays a ukelele (takes the fool thing with her everywhere)!



Last edited by AlainM3C on Fri Aug 07, 2015 8:20 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : just felt like it???)

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A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."



Ok, maybe this one should have been posted with the 'Jokes That Stink' title!

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AlainM3C

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No, it's just fine here!

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Oh, ok then...it made you pee in your pants...mission accomplished...uh..you was wearing pants, weren't you?

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AlainM3C

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Pants?
Oh my god, it wasn't a dream. I DID forget to put my clothes on this morning!

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Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

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AlainM3C

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LOL! I worked with some PETA's years ago at an animal sanctuary. They have NO sense of humour. I cracked a joke (a Col Sander's joke, at that) and they started getting all bent out of shape. What a bunch of squirrel brains!
Sending this one along to the gal that runs the sanctuary (she wasn't a PETA and DID have a sense of humour)!

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"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

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AlainM3C

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Just told this one to my blonde wife! LOL!

Glad I have a small 'fridge with cold beer in the garage!

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I was walking through Chicago and I saw that there was a "Muslim Book Store." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "Get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"

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AlainM3C

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How delightfully politically incorrect. I'll send this on to my pals in D.C. They're pretty sick of 'polical correctness'!

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AlainM3C

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I was thinking of trying the new 'Wheaties' beer when it comes out. I'm a bit worried about the side effects, though. I think Jenner was once on their cereal boxes.

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I was in a bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached them and asked, "Hello, ladies are you three
lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, Wales!"
So, I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

And that's the last thing I remember!

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AlainM3C

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A friend of mine's brother is married to a Welsh gal. I'm sending this to him!

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100 Re: Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants... on Sat Aug 29, 2015 10:24 pm

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ...."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!"
The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord...?" Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done...."
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile before the kid on the bike passed him.

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