The new Priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before the second week in the pulpit he asked the bishop how he could relax. The Bishop said, "Next week, put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should run smoothly."
The next Sunday, the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm and felt just great. Upon returning to the rectory, however, he found a note from the Bishop...
1.Next time sip, rather than gulp.
2.There are 10 Commandments, not 12.
3.There are 12 Disciples, not 10.
4.David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the shit out of him.
5.We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his Apostles as "J.C. and the boys."
6.Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy.
7.We do not refer to the cross as "The Big T."
8.We do not refer to the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost as "Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook."
9.The recommended way of saying grace is not Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yea God!"
10.And last but not least, it is the "Virgin Mary," not "Mary with the cherry."