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One Liner Jokes

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1One Liner Jokes Empty One Liner Jokes on Sat Apr 28, 2018 11:26 am

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

I think this generation will have to go into separate rooms and text each other to work out their problems.

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Resturant In Peace.

I have a few jokes about unemployed people but it doesn't matter none of them work.

2One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Mon Apr 30, 2018 6:38 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I am passing these on to friends in various parts of the country. Everyone likes jokes on Monday!
Especially the retired friends.
Nothing like a nice, cold beverage and an afternoon joke (none of my retired friends get up before noon!)

3One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Mon Apr 30, 2018 8:32 am

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be talked to in that tone of voice!

4One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Sat May 05, 2018 5:34 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I worked at a sewage treatment plant. Good pay, but I had to put up with a lot of....
Oh! Almost forgot...this is a family friendly forum...

5One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Tue May 22, 2018 8:41 am

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
I saw an advert saying “Hairpieces from $5.00”. I thought, “That’s a small price toupee”.

6One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Sun May 27, 2018 8:32 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
A furious 3-legged dog walks into a western bar. The bartender asks him what he wants. The dog snarls, "I'm a-lookin' fer the man who shot my paw!"

7One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Wed Jun 06, 2018 1:17 am

Pizzathehut

Pizzathehut
Regular Joe
Regular Joe
Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

8One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Wed Jun 06, 2018 7:45 am

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
Pizzathehut wrote:Today I saw a little boy wearing rags sitting on a curb
I said, "Awww, are you an orphan"?

He said, "Yes, what gave me away?"

I said, "Your parents."

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh at that or not. Oh what the heck, he's an orphan, he doesn't have Internet to see me laugh! Laughing

9One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Wed Jun 06, 2018 2:00 pm

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I'm laughing! Pizzathehut, where did you get that picture! If I have a dream like that, I am running for the Tums!

Come to think of it, though, that's probably what I look like if I dive into a large, triple meat 'n' cheese when I'm watching the Stanley Cup with my pals!

10One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Wed Jun 06, 2018 5:18 pm

Hydekelso

Hydekelso
Deputy
Deputy
If you have everything, where would you put it?

http://www.uberpeople.net

11One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Wed Jun 06, 2018 10:04 pm

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
Alain....who's in it for the cup?

12One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Thu Jun 07, 2018 6:45 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
It's the Washington Capitals versus the Las Vegas Knights.
Currently the Capitals are ahead in the best-of-7 series 3 games to 1.

The Caps could wrap it up in tonight's game 5.

13One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Thu Jun 07, 2018 4:03 pm

Hydekelso

Hydekelso
Deputy
Deputy
I miss the old days in the NHL, back in the 70's/80's where there were dynasties like the Montreal Canadians, NY Islanders, Edmonton Oilers, etc. I was an Islander fan, but loved watching the Oilers and Gretzky's offence.

http://www.uberpeople.net

14One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Sun Jun 10, 2018 6:25 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I agree, Hydekelso! But there are some pretty good players these days, too. Back in the 60's, I was a big Chicago Blackhawks fan (not surprising since my Dad and Mom were brought up in Chicago).

15One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Mon Jul 23, 2018 7:12 am

Hydekelso

Hydekelso
Deputy
Deputy
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.



I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?



Last edited by Hydekelso on Mon Jul 23, 2018 7:24 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Fillling in question marks to appease the Basher.)

http://www.uberpeople.net

16One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Tue Jul 31, 2018 5:08 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
Passing these along in today's emails!

17One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Tue Aug 14, 2018 2:17 am

Hydekelso

Hydekelso
Deputy
Deputy
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

http://www.uberpeople.net

18One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Sat Aug 18, 2018 7:26 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I'm leaving mine to IBM or Goggle so they can put me in the clouds.

19One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:36 pm

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
Hydekelso wrote:If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.



I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

And I appreciate the question marks!

20One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Thu Sep 13, 2018 11:53 pm

Hydekelso

Hydekelso
Deputy
Deputy
DebtorBasher wrote:
Hydekelso wrote:If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.



I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

And I appreciate the question marks!


It's always nice to be appreciated by the Basher!

http://www.uberpeople.net

21One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Mon Sep 17, 2018 6:35 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
An upside-down buffalo head just has to be appreciated!

22One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Tue Apr 14, 2020 4:18 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

I run like the winded.

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

--

--



23One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Tue Apr 14, 2020 8:45 am

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
Thanks for bringing this thread back to life.

24One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Sat Apr 18, 2020 6:52 am

AlainM3C

AlainM3C
Basherville Sheriff
Basherville Sheriff
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since....









25One Liner Jokes Empty Re: One Liner Jokes on Sun Apr 19, 2020 12:51 pm

DebtorBasher

DebtorBasher
Admin
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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