Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”

The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”

LOL! This is a good one! And I can send it along to everyone since it's "clean"!

Anytime you can actually picture this happening, makes the joke even funnier.

Makes me think that it would be fun to get an old hearse and use it as a taxi!  Maybe sign up with Uber or Lyft so I could put a pink mustache on the front!

LOL...that would be fun...but, what about backseat drivers?

You could put cushions in the back so the living passengers can stretch out and still have plenty of room for packages. It would be handy for special pick ups at the airport, too!

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,and when all is ready he begins to speak:
My son, Bernie,
I want you to take the Mayfair houses.
My daughter Sybil,
you take the apartments over in the east end.
My son, "Jamie,
I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
Sarah, my dear wife,
please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river.
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away.

The nurse says,"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property? ... The %^&$%^* had a paper route!"

LOL! Another one I can send to everyone this morning!

A teenage boy has just gotten his license and asks his Dad about using the car.
His Dad says, "If you raise your grades, read your Bible and cut your hair, we will talk about it."

A month later, his son appraoches his Dad again.
The father says, "Well ,you've raised your grades, your reading your Bible, but what about the hair?"

The son says, "Dad, when i read the Bible I noticed Jesus, Moses and the rest had long hair."

The Dad smiles and replies, "Did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?"

Got that one from a farmer down in Virginia!

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

They weren't in my briefcase or pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.

Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized that she was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police.

I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife:
"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice.

"Are you kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent.
Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

Welcome to the golden years.......

LOL! Excellent! I'll pass this one along in my Sunday emails!

For some strange and unknown reason, I thought of you when I read that one.

I haven't lost the key to the car or locked myself out, yet, but I did lose the key to the neighbor's dog crate when I was taking care of their Lab last week. I had to pick the padlock to let the poor bugger out for his play time and poop session.

Am I going to see you on one of those TV court shows?

SAFE AT HOME ... AT LAST !!!!

I've torn out my alarm system & resigned from the Neighborhood
Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each
corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, State Police, FBI and other intelligence services
are all watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer.

I don't think I've made the cut for court TV yet, but I'm still trying! Say, you've got a good idea there. I tried the same thing except that I used a French flag. Nobody came by to watch the house, but there was enough of a crowd out front pointing and laughing that it must have provided some sort of security!

It wasn't the flag they were pointing and laughing at...

If they weren't laughing at the flag, then what could have they been so amused at?

really, i don't think i want an answer to that question....

You're right...you don't!

Well, they oughta love my Halloween costume. I'm gonna dress up as a Jamaican Rastafarian!

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets, and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells. Fred's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize", but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

Amazingly enough, there are actually a couple of candidates that I will vote for, but in most cases it'll be voting against the one I dislike the most. It was easier back years ago when I lived in Chicago. Whichever candidate gave out the most free drinks and goodies at the bar got my vote!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."
The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".
The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband.
She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.


"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the chair.