Jokes That Make You Blush...

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.
The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,
'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

One night, as a couple retire to bed, the husband turns to his wife and begins caressing her.
"I'm sorry darling," says the wife, "I've got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, feeling rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and tries his luck again. This time he whispers in her ear,

"Do you have a dentist's appointment tomorrow too?"

I'm passing these along to my usual gang and my Dad's over 90 guys who meet for lunch once a week!

Sam was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the man if he would like a ride.

With a word or two of thanks, the man got in the car.

After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sam.

“What’s in the bag?” asked the old man.

Sam looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. Got it for my wife.”

The old man was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, “Good trade.”

LOL!
I'd be wanting a bottle of wine + a case of beer for mine!

I was feeling a little sore and tired the past few days, so I decided to go and get a massage. Many years ago, an old friend of mine had suggested that the next time I get a massage, to ask for a "Happy Ending". Apparently, they frown upon that request at the massage chairs in the mall kiosks.  Wocka-Wocka-Wocka!

reminds me of an episode in "curb your enthusiasm"

Speaking of enthusiasim, if you find a mall that says "Yes" to that, Justice, let me know!!

Hydekelso wrote:reminds me of an episode in "curb your enthusiasm"

Television shows that I've never watched a single episode of for one reason or another?

1. Curb your enthusiasm
2. Lost
3. Sopranos
4. Murphy Brown (showing our age folks...)

5. Everybody loves Raymond (I finally broke down and watched one episode...the one where he contracts out to have his stove replaced by a friend instead of his dad)
6. The Big Bang Theory (up until this summer...now I can't stop watching it!)

I'm still having Breaking Bad withdrawals. I was never fascinated with a television series quite the way I was with that. You can take Seinfeld, Quantam Leap, MacGyver, etc...and stir them all up into one great show, and it still wouldn't equal Breaking Bad. I literally counted down the days each week until Sunday night. Now there is an empty void that I have to fill.

I missed Dexter.  My sister in law gave us cd's of most of the episodes, but we didn't get it on our cable (it was a premium channel and I'm too cheap to buy that), so we have to wait for the final season.  I liked Breaking Bad, but missed it due to it's time slot.  Big Bang is good comedy for those times when I'm not in the mood for fun, criminal stuff! What channel carries Curb Your Enthusiasm?

Shows I never get tired of watching...over and over again:

Seinfeld
Big Bang (Thanks to John from SoCa...Man-O-Man, I sure miss John!)
Andy Griffith
King of Queens
I Love Lucy
Everybody Loves Raymond
Honeymooners
The Odd Couple

Those are some of my favourites, too!

AlainM3C wrote:Those are some of my favourites, too!

Why? Because you're too cheap to pay for your own cable in your tree...so, you just watch mine through my window?

Yer Right! I love looking through your window!! And you have a really nice and shapely....

TV. Really. It's got good reception, too. What did you think I was going to say?

I plea the 5th.

I'd love to change her channels:)

DebtorBasher wrote:I plea the 5th.

I please the 13th

Justice74 wrote:I'd love to change her channels:)

Well, you better have a remote because those are NOT knobs and you can NOT twist and turn them!

Zee knobs must not be twisted, zay mus' be stroked to get zee right channel!

I now plead the 15th!

I kept twisting and turning those knobs with the delicate hands of a master masseuse. The reception was pretty poor at first, but it eventually came around. I think she wanted me to find a classic movie starring George Burns and John Denver because she just kept screaming "OH GOD" the whole time I was turning her knobs. 

 

Zee images on zee TV are becoming clearer now!

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the H*** was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Texas son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for, sir?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're going to say to your buddy, "I wish that a**hole would've tried that s**t with me!"

LOL! Sending this along, especially to my friends in Texas!