Jokes That Make You Blush...

This is my all time favorite Big Bang Theory scene:

He's a dweeb, but a nice dweeb, I think!

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain.
Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the h*** is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

LOL!! I've never heard this one before! Passing it along to the Monday morning crowd!

Not your Sunday Church people???

Naw, I just give them 'clean' jokes!

Here's one from the Happy Hour club at my folk's retirement home (free drinks at 5 for the residents! The bar is open 7 days a week.)

An old guy is sitting with his pal on a park bench and says"Darn! My butt just fell asleep!"
His pal replies, " I know. I've heard it "snore" several times!"

Must have been Ejack!!!

I know Ejack was thinking of retirement, but I didn't think he was that old!!

Naked Cowboy
A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.
As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking around like this?'
The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ......

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants.... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town, cowboy.. '
'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist!!!!

That's a good one! Never haerd it before! I'll send it out to the blonde gals I know!

There was a picture that went with it but I didn't post it because...well, you know....we're in Basherville.

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist.

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces."

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

I printed this out and put it in snail mail for tomorrow to send down to my folk's retirement home in Florida. They love these! My Dad reads them at the nightly Happy Hour where the 90 year olds toss down a few Gin & Tonics or Scotch & Waters!

You're Dad must be the life of that party!!!

Even though a lot of the residents are elderly, they enjoy getting together and having a good time. Last time I was down there, they all started singing songs from the 30's and 40's. Some of them couldn't tell you what day it is, but they remember the words to those songs!

Then along comes Alain with his rap and break dance!

If I tried to do Rap and Break Dancing, they'd think it was a seizure and send me off to the hospital! (or to the local detox center!)

Yeah...you're right. It's probably best you stick with square dancing.

My favourite place at any dance is beside the punch bowl!

*TRYING TO IMPRESS A HOT RELIGIOUS GIRL*
ME: "I'VE READ THE ENTIRE BIBLE".
HER: "YEAH, PROVE IT"
ME: "HOW?"
HER: "WHAT'S THE FIRST SENTENCE IN IT?"
ME: "DO NOT REMOVE FROM HOTEL".

That's all the proof needed!

LOL!

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.
A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower Garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’
“Well, that seems only fair,” said the cop, laughing. “OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Not everybody pays.”

Sounds like some of the golfers lost their balls?