Jokes That Make You Blush...

These will give a good laugh some of my pals for this weekend! I gotta save that "Bubba" Tonto Gonzales one for when I'm in Florida next week!

WAIT! You didn't clear a vacation with me! In case you've forgotten...no one EVER takes me ANYWHERE! But, that's OK this time...unless you're planning a trip to Alaska, I'll pass.

It's going to be 90's and humid down there, but we plan on sending a lot of time soaking in the Gulf!

YUCK!

It's not bad as long as you stay in the air conditioning, Gulf or pool!

Or stay home in your treehouse.

Nope, no treehouse for a while. The room is beachfront, so sitting on the balcony works for me when it gets too hot. Stripes will just have to be alone in the treehouse for a while!

NO! TAKE STRIPES WITH YOU! Don't you remember the last time you left him here with me?????

Oopps! But Stripes is scared of jet engines and helicopters! There's some Lysol under the sink!

How To Make A Divorce:

A man in his 40's has a birthday and no one notices. His wife doesn't say, "Happy Birthday" to him as he leaves for work. His friends say nothing. None of his co-workers say a word. He's getting pretty depressed when his gorgeous, but somewhat simple minded secrartary says to him, "It's your Birthday! Let me cook you dinner!" The man decides this is a pretty darn good idea since no one else seems to care. They get to her apartment and the secratary says, " Do you mind if I take a quick shower?" The man figures he's hit the jackpot so he says go ahead. The secratary goes to the bedroom and shuts the door. The man rips his clothes off in anticipation. The door opens, and there are his friends, his kids, his co-workers and his wife all yelling, "Surpise! Happy Birthday!" Unfortunately, the man is on the sofa, ready to go and naked. He sure was surprised, though!

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

We had a little neighborhood get-together today to watch some baseball and I told this joke. Everyone laughed their posteriors off at it! When I found out their 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend were there, (I didn't see them sitting in the pool), I was kind of embarassed, but they were laughing, too. She said she likes to listen to the 'adult' jokes when they've had a few brews!

I bought batteries that weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

LOL!

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

I know some fishermen who are going to enjoy this one!

I'm printing this out and sticking it on my neighbor's door. His kids will love it!!

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

My operation is in a Catholic hospital. I wonder if I should tell this joke when I'm there?

Maybe you should wait until you're being released.

That sounds like VERY good advice!

Wow! I didn't know it would post THAT big!
Just a little something for you to pass on to your Church Ladies!

I've seen some like that in the very back pew in the church!