Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

Both my wife and I are busting a gut at 7:30 AM! I'm passing this all around!

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don"t know her name - they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what"s going on."
So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias!
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. "I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn"t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did.

I don't know where you're getting these jokes, but they are excellent! And I can send them to everyone becuase their clean!

That's because we're in Basherville...no dirty jokes here!

The clean ones are easier to send and just as funny!

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As
she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,
has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed,
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied
the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she
protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned
around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later
with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from
top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and
shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the
head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he
returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat
back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the
woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she
cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,
the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the
Cat Scan, it's now $150."

LOL! What a perfect bar joke! I'm passing this along tonight!

I have a good one for Stripes...but, I can't get it to post.  I'll try again if I find it on Youtube.

He likes youtube!

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned
a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was
properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed
it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to
go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been
there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to
bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence
and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave!’

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here
to watch you ladies swim naked or make you
get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator…”

Some old men can still think fast!!

Love it! This'll give laughs to folks email today!

The lady is strange, but VERY practical!!

A new teacher was trying to make
Use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up.
The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.’

Larry watched, fascinated,
as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
'Why do you do that, mummy?' he asked.
'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother,
who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry
wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, 'Larry!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?'
Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN
And the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip
to their local police station where they saw pictures
Tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
Larry pointed to a picture
and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman.
'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Larry asked,
"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse,
Running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump,
And chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad,
Why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that
They are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad,
I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mum

Those were great! I've never heard those ones before!

They were sent to me by my cousin who is a judge in Maryland. Nice to know judges have a sense of humour! I'm getting together with some old friends of mine from D.C. today, so I'll see if they have any new jokes!

Sue Ellen passed away so Billy Bob called 911. The operator promised to send someone out immediately and asked him where he lived.
"Right at the end of Eucalyptus Road," Billy Bob replied.
"Could you spell that for me please?" the operator asked.
After a very lengthy pause Billy Bob said, "How 'bout I just drag her on over to Pine Street and y'all can pick her up there?"

LOL! I'll have to take these jokes with me when I go into the hospital!

HOSPITAL????????
Hope everything is ok.

It's just an obnoxious growth in my colon. They're going to do a resection and get rid of it. I should be in for around a week. Pretty simple, really. It's just like taking a section of pipe out and then sticking the ends back together. It's nice that my wife is a nurse there. The chief of surgery is doing the procedure and she knows the nurses etc. that'll be keeping an eye on me. I'll have to behave myself, though. Any bad behaviour and she'll come up when she through working and chew me out!

Wishing you a super-duper-speedy recovery!

Thank you! It shouldn't be too bad. It will just take a while to heal.

Are you going to try to take away Old F's reigning crown for 'Best Colon Pictures On The Internet'?

Oh, Heck NO! What goes in my colon, stays in my....no, wait, that doesn't sound right...um, let's just say if someone wants colon pictures, they can go to a medical website like I did!

There's no competing with Old F's colon pictures!