Jokes That Will Make You Pee In Your Pants...

DebtorBasher wrote:I thought Sheldon said manure.

Either one.

It's hard to keep track of what Sheldon is saying once he gets on a roll!

Yeah, but at least we know he's not crazy....his Mother had him tested.

DebtorBasher wrote:Yeah, but at least we know he's not crazy....his Mother had him tested.

Tested for what?

They say curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.

I'm guessing one of the tests must have been to determine if he was human and not alien!

Hydekelso, they suspected you of killing the cat or being curious???

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a ...case of Miller Lite and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a $20 jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Miller Lite and it's half the price....'

HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7 !!!

AlainM3C wrote:I'm guessing one of the tests must have been to determine if he was human and not alien!

Hydekelso, they suspected you of killing the cat or being curious???

good one lol, that was one my favorite Steven Wright one liners. here another one:

I got 7 years of bad luck, but lawyer says he can get me 5.

LOL! Good ones, Hydekelso and DB! I've past them on to pals coast to coast!

A woman, a manager and his assistant are sitting together in a train. Suddenly, the train goes through a tunnel, and as luck would have it, the lights go out and it's completely dark.

Then there's this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap. When the train comes out of the tunnel, the woman and the assistant are sitting as if nothing has happened and the manager has his hand against his face, which is red from an apparent slap.

The manager is thinking, "My assistant must have kissed the woman and she missed him and slapped me instead."

The woman is thinking, "The manager must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed his assistant and got slapped for it."

And the assistant is thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap my boss again!"

LOL! Another one I can send to everybody!!!

I bought batteries that weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Now I know why my remote for the TV won't work!

·
IRISH GHOST STORY

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...

‘Look Paddy ... there's that stupid idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

The jokes on them! John was inside the car while the other two were out in the rain pushing it....who are the stupid ones? LOL!

They all made it to the pub and that's the important thing!!

I wonder if they all made it back out of the pub yet...or, if they even tried.

The best pubs keep cots in the alley for those that need to sleep it off!

Good idea!

They get damp on rainy days, but maybe that's a good thing?

They get damp on rainy days, but maybe that's a good thing?

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, “Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies "I'm a U.S. Marine, a Republican and I’m voting for Trump."

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH”
And THAT pretty much sums up the media's approach to the news these days!

Good one! But ya know, Rupert Murdoch's media wouldn't report it that way!

One time there was an airplane flying so low above my house, and the stewardess told me to sitdown.

Hydekelso wrote:One time there was an airplane flying so low above my house, and the stewardess told me to sitdown.

LOL! Good one!